I Have Never Been Lost...

[Closed] - Takeru

2009-06-16T16:00:15Z

Alright, what's up? You're being mopey and down and no, you didn't really do anything to give it away. I'm your brother, it's my business to just kinda sense these things. So, either tell me on your own, or I'll find a way to make you tell me.

[Missing] - Where I've Been

2009-06-15T20:28:59Z

We have, like, no air in our apartment. It's hot, it's stifling, and it's apparently melted my mind. Work to class to home to bed with a thousand plug in fans going. And it's not just normal hot, it's the kind of hot where even theadbare boxers stick to your skin. Dad and I have been eating lots of take-out because turning on the stove or oven seems to just add to the heat. I want air conditioning back and I hate how it takes forever to get anything done around here.

Stupid heat.

Stupid summer.

Anyone want to go to the beach? We can make a party out of it.

[YOU] - Private, Jyou

2009-05-20T10:41:04Z

What are you doing tonight?

[I Have A Baby] - Of Sorts

2009-05-20T09:23:06Z

... I think that sometimes I honestly forget that I have this. Seriously, kick me more often.

Anyway, yeah, I got a "baby". At least that's what everyone's been calling him rather than his actual name. His name is "Zell" and he's a pied-marked cockatiel. Weaned on birdseed, but still considered a baby. Hasn't even gone through his first molt yet, and that won't happen until six months to a year of age. I figure he's only a couple months at best (from the little information I could gather). Brat cost over $150, but, well, I guess I was just a sucker for him. Squirt's got personality, I can tell you that! He hisses at me and does this mock pecking crap (he doesn't actually bite me), but despite all that today was a great milestone. He wanted on my shoulder. Sat there most of the day and got pissed when I had to take him off a couple of times (tried to climb up my arm to get to it!). So, I'm hoping that it's a sign of him starting to bond with me.

Break in semester's right now, one of the few valid reasons I had for getting a pet that needed lots of my time. Got a few weeks left until that starts again and work has slowed too despite it being summer. Can't really complain, I get paid the same regardless of customers. So, Takeru, I'm pretty sure I can snag a day off from work to spend with you without Zell goin' nuts. We can spend it outta town, 'k?

Also, dad's doin' better. He's stuck to a walker for a few months, but he's pain free. Kinda nice living with him again actually. So, gimme details of where you want to go because I can now trust him to be alone to (he's been trying to shoo me out for some time now *rolls eyes*).

[I Live] - Barely

2009-04-07T09:23:22Z

Yeah. Hi everyone, well, anyone who still reads this thing. I disappeared on you, I know. But... well, I don't need to explain anything. Life sucks like that, taking your time and leaving you with nothing in return.

So, I give you a new layout to look at. I sure as hell was sick of the old one, and I bet you were too. As for what's been going on in my life, the answer is: not much. Juggling a couple classes per semester, nothing really spectacular or awe-inspiring. Just things that interest me and keep me occupied. I got hired at a bakery near my apartment. I'm actually pretty good at making the sweet rolls and similar breads. I love the smell of them. Especially pumpkin, that's becoming my favorite.

Got a couple of free-lance gigs, jingle type things and whatnot. I kinda cringe just thinking about working on them, but they pay you pretty well for a couple minute tune. And I only do 'em when I feel like taking 'em on, otherwise it's still my work.

*shrugs and sighs* Like I said, nothing really going on.

What. The. Fuck.

2007-09-24T14:46:50Z

School... I hate you.

No, serious.

I hate you with a burning passion.

And you don't deserve my passion.

So, I dropped my Philosophy course because there is no fucking way in hell I can handle that on top of all the other demanding courses I up and decided to take. I'll take it next semester if I can.

...With a better teacher.

So, oh man. Ancient History's cool and all, y'know interesting and all that, but the teacher is too gung-ho. Seriously. First examination was due in yesterday (online test). I took a hit on it. Meaning... I didn't do it.

Why?

Well, let's look at this. We were given 27 essay prompts. Of those 27, 16 would be offered on the actually exam. Of those 16, 4 were required to be answered. On top of that, there were 4 films you had to review, 2 of which would be on the exam. Both would need answering.

Time test was up: 1 week.

Time you had to actually sit and do the test: 2 hours.

Meaning: YOU HAD TO FUCKING WRITE 18 ITEMS IN ADVANCE.

18 fucking essays.

In one week.

Because you don't know what was on the test.

I don't know about any of you, but it took me a week to do ONE essay back in the High School english course. Anyone here think they could have accomplished 18 in the same time limit?

*waits to see if anyone actually says "yes"*

So, I took a hit. It's cool since the lowest test grade is dropped, but it means I'll have to make a B or higher on the next 2 exams and take the final. So, instead of getting out a week before everyone else, I'm stuck with everyone else taking that damned thing called a "final".

Fuck.

EDIT

Oh dear god yes!!! Ancient History was cancelled for today and the professor's giving us until 10.30 tonight to do the test!

I have a fucking chance to still do it!

Where Did You, Where Did You Go?

2007-09-15T10:59:23Z

Been a while... scratch that. It's been a long ass time. Man, I guess the saying "Time flies" really does hold true. You're sitting there one day, just relaxing and enjoying the moment and BAM!, then you're sitting at a desk, swamped with work.

But I've finally manage to break through. Looks like this weekend will be spent catching up with everyone.

So... let's see... Geeze, there's just too much to type. *tries to organize thoughts* I guess I should start waaaaaaaaaay back where I left off.

Therapy is still going on. Not as often, only once every other week now, but the doc still insist on seeing me for some reason. *shrugs* I never saw the point in the first place but... Yeah.

Then that thing that used to be known as "summer" happened. And along with it came a random, spur-of-the-absolute-moment, oh-my-god-we're-in-town-come-and-see-us, family thing. *shudders* If any has had the displeasure of meeting some of my relatives, I apologize here and now for it. I know you should love your family and all that jazz, but... let's just say being stuck in a crowded elevator at an anime convention has more appeal then spending time with these people called "relatives".

I also came to a decision during that time and, surprisingly, followed through with it. I moved out. Why? *snorts* I don't even remember. I mean, it was great and all with Dad. I just had to look after the place and I pretty much had it to myself. But he didn't say "no" when I brought it up. Actually, he was kinda encouraging. He even helped me find the place I'm in right now.

It's actually pretty big, but I am sharing it with three other people. Yeah, why the hell did I trade having an apartment more or less to myself to sharing one with three total strangers? I've got to be messed in the head. But, it's done with. And it's actually pretty cozy here and the rent's pretty low considering what it's like for other places of the same size.

This apartment's also closer to campus. Why is that important? It's not really, other than making the commute easier. I decided to try taking some courses. Which isn't all that bad, except for this fucking Philosophy class. The teacher is a total bastard. Hell, he's the Bastard.

And he'll actually answer to that too.

Let's see... what else? *thinks* I've met some more people. *shrugs* Actually, it's more like someone got attached to me and kinda dragged me to meet other people. But, surprisingly, I haven't minded it all that much. One of my new... friends is pretty cool. She's actually pretty fun to be around. Totally random too. Which strangely reminds me of Tai. *shakes head*

So, here's a recent random event she was involved in. We've decorated my portion of the apartment with beta. Y'know, those pretty fish that tear each other apart? Yeah. I had three die in the same night. Which is strange. And slightly funny now. One of them committed suicide by jumping out of his container.

Yes, you read that right, my fish committed suicide.

So, she came over to "console" me and dragged me out to get replacements. And, I still don't know how, I not only ended up with three fish to replace them, but a couple of hamsters as well. *looks at 'em* They're kinda cute, I guess, but... Hmm.

Well, it's 6 in the morning, I can't sleep, I have no work I'm aware of, so I decided to get on. Strange as it may sound to some, I... actually miss you guys. I haven't heard from 'keru in a while, granted that I haven't done much in attempting to contact either. Sorry about that. So, what's going on out there?

[Closed] Takeru

2007-05-03T05:21:25Z

Are you free this weekend? I've got some time off then and....

...

Well... I want to talk.

Private

2007-04-09T17:45:57Z

Therapy sucks ass.

I don't even know why I'm going to it. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a little breakdown every so often, is there? I mean, lookit Jyou! He has one, like, every other day and isn't... well... y'know.

*sighs and flops onto the bed* And the therapist is sadistic. I mean, "Deeper meaning behind it all"?! Bullshit. There's nothing wrong with crying once in a while. Be a man and admit that there's nothing wrong with a good cry.

I think Dane Cook has done the best at summing up crying.

*buries head in pillows* And now Takeru's all worried and shit. I really hate doing that to him. He shouldn't even know about this yet, but it's too late to do anything about it. I guess I should talk to him, I know he hates being left in the dark.

All Of You...

2007-04-09T17:29:56Z

Need to come and grab your shit.

Okay, so not all of you, but definitely YOU Taichi!! Man. *picks up a garbage bag* This *points to it* is all YOURS. How it came to exist in my room is beyond me, but it needs to go.

Takeru, I found your old hat and a notebook of poems you did a while back. I'll come and drop it off whenever you say is a good time.

... Maybe we can talk as well.

Sora... you already got your stuff. But, as a thank you, I got you this:

So, uh, thanks.

Life...

2007-03-27T20:16:32Z

TO BE REPLACED WITH AN AWESOME POST.... >.> Well, maybe not awesome, but definitely a post. I just have to find the notebook I wrote it in. *sighs as he looks around the apartment* Damn, I need to clean this place. =_=

Groans

2007-03-04T06:47:18Z

I hate being sick.

And it couldn't even be the NORMAL sick. No. First it started with an upset stomach and cramps. Easily ignored. But then this twinge like feeling and sudden lethargy grabbed hold. I was basically, "Screw it! Bedtime." Yet, despite the WANT to sleep... I couldn't. I just kept tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable spot. And I was cold. So fucking cold. I piled on a few more blankets and, though my skin was burning to the touch, I was still cold.

Woke up in absolute pain. You name it, it hurt. Main focus was a killer headache, then pain from the back of my neck, down my back, across my shoulders and hips. Then at my knees and elbows.

But I still went about like nothing was wrong. I had to bite back a scream a couple times, but I survived the day.

Now I'm left with a sore throat and a nose that can't decide if it wants to be clogged or runny. *curls up on the couch* Being sick just blows.

Private - Groan

2007-02-20T15:13:10Z

Fuck everything.

I refuse to get out of this bed until the pain goes away. Which it should have. *covers head with pillow*

I hardly remember anything from this weekend. I know Takeru came over, we played games (I seriously need some one-on-one time with my console), I started dinner.... and then things get fuzzy. I remember... talking about Micheal, drinking more wine (where did that come from again? *thinks and draws a blank*, and then I think we talked about Taichi and Daisuke.

And then I think we passed out.

He must have had a nightmare. I don't remember when I woke up, but Takeru was whimpering and crying. I tried to wake him and when he finally did his head collided with my jaw. *touches* Still kinda sore, but at least it's not bruising.

I wish I could actually remember what I said. *curls up under the sheets* Fuck, it's still hot.

Private/Closed - Takeru

2007-02-12T02:36:54Z

Where the hell have I been the past couple of days? Hell if I know.

Somehow, I met up with a group of friends (yeah, friends outside the Digidestined, surprising isn't it?) and everything else is a blur of parties, bands, and who knows what else. It was nice though, just being able to lose yourself in the moment and forget about everything else. I kind of missed it.

But the downside is when you're back home alone. I think about the conversation I had with Taichi a few days ago. I... I think I finally did something right. *sighs* It really isn't fair that I always hit/hurt him in some way every fucking time we're together. I don't mean to, hell, I don't want to. I just end up doing it.

I understand that it's his life and his decisions, and there's times when I feel okay with it... but then I end up not being okay with them. Then I end up getting pissed, and hurting him. So, I think a break may be in order. I don't want to stop being friends with Taichi, or hanging out with him, but I can't keep doing that to him either.

I thought we had managed to get past that, and I don't know why I relapse into it, but I do.

*groans and rubs face* I just... don't know anymore.

Closed - TK

2007-02-08T15:11:21Z

It's certainly been awhile, hasn't it? How've things been?

[Private] I Hate Mondays...

2007-02-07T02:35:36Z

What you thought was a given, especially with friends, might not be. Relate to one person at a time. You might be disappointed by what occurs otherwise. One-on-one talks draw results, though you might now see that yet!

That was my horoscope for the day. And after reading it a couple times, I wondered why I had looked at it in the first place.

Today, was just one of those days. Y'know the type. The one where the majority of it is wasted away just laying somewhere, random thoughts of significance and unimportance drifted hazily in and out of your mind, making you unintentionally question everything about the world aroud you.

Yeah, one of those days.

I just couldn't seem to focus on a single task, believe me I tried. Finally, in frustration and lack of ideas on what to do, I just plopped down on the couch and wallowed a few hours away just staring at the ceiling. Then they appeared. Yes. They. Thoughts, memories, everything that's happened in the past year just decided to bring itself into one monstrous being and rear it's head at me.

Such a fun day. *snort*

I... I just don't know. So much has happened lately. Some good, some bad, some... yeah. It was difficult tackling 'em one at a time, so to have it all just rush at you all at once...

My mind's still reeling. I mean, I've just been sitting here, thinking and reflecting upon it all, looking at what happened, with whom, how I acted, and I just...

*groan* I'm gonna take some aspirin and go to bed, that's what I'm going to do.

Mental note to myself: Think about that horoscope a bit more.

[private] [life's ironic sometimes]

2006-11-05T01:43:05Z

Wow. Half a month with nothing to say, but actually tons to say...Daisuke's party...what the fuck...

Thinking about it now, I was stupid, really stupid. I acted--well, we both acted--like we were little kids. It was terrible. It was embarrasing. And then after what Taichi said...I just felt dead. I was really tired of everything. Everything was still a little awkward after coming back from NY...I hadn't even told Sora what went down (I did feel obligated to tell her, because I do care about her a lot)...he was just so...pushy. I mean, I've waited. I've waited YEARS for him to notice me, or make a move. YEARS. You think he couldn't have waited a few days to sort out our mess? Well, whatever, that was then...

So I left the party, yeah, another idiotic thing to do. I always feel so weak when I'm around him. Fuck--*I* was the one who joined the army! I've seen men in the infirmary with limbs missing and smiles on their faces. I've watched a friend die in the hospital. I've trained and pushed myself to the limit every day just to escape the weakness I felt that night. How can just a few words destroy all my strength? I have no idea. I don't want to know. I'm scared that Tai has a power over me that I can't break.

I went home. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted the night to end. Dad wasn't back. There was a note--he was shooting something for tomorrow's broadcast way down south--he'd be back tomorrow evening. Of course. Well, that was good because I didn't want him to see me so strung out.

So I went to bed, but not a half hour later I woke up and heard something smash against the side of the building. A woman was yelling "QUIET!" and I had a bad feeling. Of course I look out my window and see Taichi himself, throwing rocks at "my" window, drenched to the bone in the downpouring rain. Honestly. I opened my window and shouted at him, something about not knowing which floor was mine after all these years, and probably something along the lines about him being an idiot. I was still upset, but I was really happy. Fuck me, I should have been pissed off to the extreme, but all I wanted was for the stupidity the end. I told him I'd ring him in, but he started climbing up the fire escape (I am not kidding) and climbed through my window into the living room when he got to the top. He makes so much extra work.

I tried to avoid him, because even though I was mad, I didn't want to make him feel guilty for making me sad. Also, I didn't want to look weak. And I wanted to look like the bigger man. I started to make tea. Of course, he wouldn't have that. He said we should talk, but talking always got us nowhere, and I didn't want to look at him. I couldn't get rid of that stupid "happy" feeling in my heart. It didn't make sense. And more and more I was realizing what just went down at the party, and how unhappy I had been. Why was I happy to see him now when I wanted nothing to do with him just an hour or two ago? It was insane.

I told him he could stay and get dry, but I honestly didn't want to talk. We aren't the sort of people who use words to solve problems, anyway. And...we didn't talk. I don't think I even need to venture into detail at this point. We have this strange magnatism...but it was the first time that he took over, so to speak. Like he was making up for something. I don't know. Like I said, we didn't really talk about it, it just happened. And when I woke up, he was still there. It was still night at this point, like--early, early morning. We both knew, but I was the first to say that we really shouldn't be doing this, and fighing and then making up was really detrimental to our friendship. I said that we should spend some time apart to think about things. And I was smiling, but he took the hint and left.

So I don't know...we made up. Sort of. Well, right? (Who the fuck am I talking to? Myself?) Okay, so we didn't talk. At all. But...ah, I don't know.

I'm getting smashed before going to the halloween party. That's all I have to say.

But I realize now that I need to be the adult, and we need to talk. Talk...that's such a big word. It can mean so many different things. -_- What we need is not to talk, but to resolve everything that's ever gone down between us, and that's just too big to ever just "talk" about. But, we have to. I don't want not being intimite (romantically or platonically) to be the answer, but I don't want to fall in love with him again after I fought so hard to keep him out of my heart. He's too unstable. We're too unstable together. I should tell him this. I should...

[Private] - [NYC]

2006-10-13T17:09:48Z

I feel the need to continue where I left off, because more and more I'm starting to feel like it didn't happen at all--like it was just a dream.

I did go home that night, or sometime in the AM, at least...Taichi was waiting for me. I was hoping he'd be asleep. He nearly jumped when he saw me. I didn't know if he was going to be mad or what. He just walked past me, locked the door, turned around--and kissed me. This had to be the most confusing day of my life. The kiss felt so rushed and enthusiastic and at that point I had no idea what was going on. I just remember the bed...and taking off his clothes...and somewhere in time, mine too. And tongues, and lips, and hands....it was just a beautiful dream. I mean, it had to be a dream. Nothing could have been that perfect. It went on for hours, until I'm sure we couldn't have gone on any more. Then as it got later, there was just touching in the darkness. It was almost lyrical. I don't remember who was touching who. There was just soft moans everywhere. Then we hid under the covers, curled together, and fell asleep.

When I got up that afternoon, I had a hell of a headache, almost like I had a hangover. I looked on the dresser and there was a note from Tai that said he went back to the place to see if he made it. There was no mention of last night. I just assumed either a) it happened, and Taichi was so fucking embarrassed about the whole thing he wanted to just pretend it never happened, or b) it didn't happen at all and I just had one hell of a dream. I was hoping it was B, because I didn't want to feel like an idiot.

When he got back, he looked down again. I thought it would be pointless to ask about it, but he said it anyway--he didn't get it. I tried to cheer him up a little bit. I don't know how much it worked. I think he felt better later on at dinner. We ate out at some Chinese restaurant (what IS with American and 'Chinese Food'? It isn't Chinese food. It's good, but it's not Chinese, that's for sure.) and were laughing about it--what would happen if he DID become some huge soccer star. He said there's always next year, and that obstacles just make his determination to get something that much greater. I could definately understand that, but my mind kept wandering back to last night...or my dream last night....I wanted to ask about it, but it was so surreal, I didn't know if it actually happened.

It was a little awkward for the rest of the trip, and I spent most of the time with Kaina and her friends, and Tai...well, I don't know where he was. I didn't really bother to ask. It was just too weird.

Then it was time to leave, and we didn't really talk that much on the way back, either. But I could tell he was uncomfortable, too. Why? If it was just a dream, then he shouldn't know about it. It confirmed my gut feeling that it REALLY, truley happened, which made me even more anxious sitting next to him for several hours on the plain. At least he didn't freak out as much as last time, and I even mananged to sleep a little bit. But when we got back to Japan...we parted ways. I haven't talked to him since. I know we HAVE to talk about what happened at some point or another...but it's tough. I don't know what to say. What happens from here? I'm so fucking confused.

[PRIVATE] - [I can't go back...]

2006-10-06T03:20:31Z

Monday's flight? Stupifying. First we leave late, then Tai's freak out, WHILE on the phone I might add (I think he was talking to my brother too...that's weird). So, yeah...then the hotel. WTF, they couldn't have given him better accomodations? Oh, I don't know, like TWO BEDS? It didn't really matter, anyway. Tai was up on the hotel roof practicing, and I was so jetlagged that I just fell asleep. It was a little weird waking up...okay, A LOT weird. I could feel him flipping BREATHING on my neck. He must have migrated in his sleep or something ('cause if was purposely I would have hit him...I think). He was totally unintentionally, subconsciously spooning me! WTF! I didn't want to make a big deal about it so I just got up, trying not to wake him (I knew he had the tryout later), left a note saying I'd be back later, to call the cell after the tryout, and good luck.

I went out and shopped at some really awesome vintage record and clothing shops in the area. THANKFULLY at one of the stores I met this one girl who was pretty cute (kind of punk, reminded me of Mary) who offered to show me around the city a bit, and to act as a translator (THANK YOU LORD!). Her name is Kaina. I could tell she was kind of into me, too. And for some reason she found it amusing that I couldn't speak English very well because everytime I would try to form a whole sentence she would giggle. Luckily, my English comprehension is better than my oral skills with the language so I could understand (most of) what she was saying. We hung out a lot that afternoon.

I came back to the room with McDonalds to find Tai passed out on the bed in his soccer uniform, as he explained he just came from the tryout. He was tired, but perked up a lot when he saw food. I asked him how it went, but he kind of just shrugged it off (what was that about? He MUST have done well!). Yeah, he kind of pissed me off because he was being so moody. Then he said he got tickets for us to go see a Broadway show, and I was like ‘WTF, since when are you into high culture?’ and he just groaned. What’s all that about? It’s a perfectly legitimate question.

The play was nice…despite the fact I had NO idea what was going on because IT WAS IN FLIPPING ENGLISH. So for most of the time I was restless. Taichi seemed to be enjoying whatever was going on (if it moves and it’s shiny, it’s got his interest, apparently). At the end he asked me what I thought and I told him that I didn’t much care for it cause I couldn’t understand it. He was like “you don’t give ANYTHING a chance…” What does THAT mean? Is that supposed to mean anything? Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever understand him.

Things just got worse from there…we kept mutually bringing each other down on the way back to the hotel. I finally just said “what is your problem?” and he yelled “I didn’t do well today, okay?’ I was a little surprised, but I know he’s being overly harsh and critical on himself. He does that. I know cause I had to spend fucking FOREVER in a virtual forest with him. He’s much harder on himself than anyone I know. Including me, which is really saying something.

I couldn’t really deal with him, so I went to hit up a club that Kaina showed me, with her as my escort, of course. It was fun, but I couldn’t help but think about Tai stewing in his own self-criticism and moodiness. He seemed equally as annoyed when I said I was going to go out tonight with Kaina. I don’t know what’s up with him. When I came back he was sleeping (or he looked like it). I just got under the sheets and fell asleep. We didn’t say a word. That was last night.

Tonight…I don’t know….

It started out crappy. We woke up, tried to avoid each other as we both showered and got ready, not really talking. He said (if I didn’t mind) we could go to the MET, which was awesome because I really wanted to go, but since we were pretty low-key that morning, I was like ‘Sure, whatever, sounds okay.’ We didn’t talk much even inside the MET. Mostly because I was fascinated while I was there and just wanted to enjoy the day without getting into an argument or making each other feel like crap.

We packed a lunch and afterward walked to Central Park, around the water….sat under a tree and had lunch. It was weird. It was such a couplish thing to do that I think I actually visibly blushed thinking about it and didn’t look at Tai for the whole time and pretended to look around at the scenery. Which I think gave him the wrong impression, because he asked if I hated him. Where the hell did that come from? “Do you think I’d come halfway across the world with you if I hated you?” I didn’t look at his face, I was so embarrassed (but why?) and just looked at the people jogging and walking their dogs, etc. “I just get the feeling you’d rather be somewhere else.” He said. His voice sounded a little cold. “Like maybe with Sora or that chick you met yesterday…?” Yeah, he sounded mad. He had no reason to be, though. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. It didn’t occur to me that Tai would be jealous. Well, I actually thought he was jealous, but not over—well…

I asked him if he was jealous of me and Sora, and he said of course he was. I told him that it was just a crush and that he shouldn’t be jealous of me. I remember this really well, he said “Who’s jealous of you? I’m jealous of her.” I was still looking at the people, but my face felt like it was burning. I was so confused. I didn’t know if I was setting myself up for disaster again, so I decided to do what I do best and just bolt. I got up without looking at him (at this point I don’t think I’ve seen his face for like, an hour) and just run.

Apparently he runs after me and catches me and turns me around and pins me to a tree (when did he get stronger than me? I was the one who went into the army…) and told me not to fucking run away. I saw his face, and he looked really upset. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he just mumbled “forget it…” and let me go. “Forget what?” I said. “Forget I said or did anything,” he said.

Then he said it. And he said some other things, things to explain the first three words (yes, he said them in English…how corny…but….) but I couldn’t hear anything. I just kissed him. I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE I DID THAT! WHY did I do that? I’m such an idiot. My brain only started to process what was going on three minutes later (same kiss), which would have lasted much longer if I didn’t put an end to it. I broke it off, because I realized how terribly unfair it was—to Sora, to Tai—and to me. I mean, how fucked up could things be in this world to throw us together after all that’s happened between us? It just isn’t logical. It doesn’t make sense. It’s either a practical joke or a dream. Even though I know it happened, I just…my mind can’t process it.

I told him (whispered, really) that I had to think about things and that I might not be back until later that night, or tomorrow morning…

Now I’m at an all-night internet café pouring out my life story and it’s nearly closing time (for an all night café? Yeesh). I don’t know what to do. Return back?

[private] - [I'm sitting beside a S P A Z.]

2006-10-02T14:49:10Z

WTF? All of a sudden I get jambed in my ribbes by a neurotic fluff-headed idiot claiming that the plane is going to go down and that we'll never see America. A nurse is trying to calm him down. They gave him some meds to knock him out for the rest of the ride (I didn't know they could do that) so now he's asleep and I'm flippin' awake. Idiot. Ah well.

The journey hasn't been that bad, despite Taichi's freak out. I guess there was a little turbulence, but there always is. He's freaking out so badly that it's not even funny. We left for the airport RIDICULOUSLY early. It was pretty cool because even though it was way early, Sora came to see me--us?, no prolly just me--off. Which was nice. I'm still really confused. I'm contemplating whether this was the best idea in the world, but hey--a free ride to NYC is better than none.

[PRIVATE] - [last night...]

2006-09-30T04:23:58Z

Panic! at the Disco was amazing last night. But to tell the truth, Sora was even more amazing. We got to the arena early and got a choice spot on the ground, although it was pretty close up to the front it was far to the right, far from the band and VERY close to some speakers. It was pretty awesome though~everyone was generally having a kickass time jumping up and down three hours.

Sora and I were still pretty riled up after the show so we went and got some pizza in the city at an all-night pizzaria because we were both pretty hungry from bouncing around half the night. Our ears were still pretty bad so we kept shouting at each other over the pizzaria table saying "they were pretty amazing!"--"WHAT?"--"THEY WERE PRETTY AMAZING!" and laughing. The other patrons were giving us odd looks.

I dropped her off at her place and she invited me in, and we kind of decided to watch a movie (although by now you'd think I'd know what 'watching a movie with Sor' eventually turns into)--High Fidelity. I love American movies and English music (hense P!atD lol) but we both mutually decided on subtitles cause our English wasn't so great. I believe the conversation went something like this: "What did you get in English last year?"--Sora--"D+. You?"--me--"B or something."--"Remember any of it?"--"Not at all. Subs it is". The movie was pretty awesome, but yeah, halfway through, we weren't really watching the movie anymore.

No we didn't 'do it', persay...but stuff did happen. I don't know. It feels good to be with her, but a little strange at the same time. My mind was somewhere else half the time anyway. I ended up leaving around 4 in the morning though, so we definately carried on long enough.

I'm really attracted to Sora, and we get along great. Not like Taichi and me...although, recently we HAVE been getting along, and going to New York with him so I guess we did get over some shit like not speaking. I'm a little nervous about how blaise I'm acting, like I could go out with Sora and Tai at the same time. Which is impossible because A) that would never happen, I'm not that much of a player, B) Tai and Sora are F R I E N D S. The end. C) Tai is not interested, and for fucks sake doesn't even SWING that way. Neither do I really, in fact. Yeah I guess I was experimental or whatever a while ago, but I know what I like and it isn't guys.

Except...

'Never in a million years...'

2006-09-25T15:27:05Z

Can you even *imagine* Taichi and I going to NY together? Neither can I. But I'm going! NEW YORK HERE I COME. And while Taichi's practicing, I'm going to hit up the clubs and the music (and I really want to go to the MET (Metropolitan Museum of Art for those who don't know XD)).

AND I'm going to go see a P!atD show with Sora on Thursday, which is going to be kickass.

All out,
.yamato.

[CLOSED - Sora]

2006-09-23T16:37:37Z

Hey!

Takeru got tickets for me and him to see Panic! at the Disco like, next week. He could go up until the point where mom freaked out on him saying he couldn't go see a show on a school day. Sucks to be in high school, doesn't it? So he gave up his ticket--wanna go? Ground Floor GA...pretty good tickets. It's for this Thursday~~tell me if you can go!

.yamato.

[Private] - [Ah, what the hell??]

2006-09-23T04:26:48Z

Why does HE get everything he wants just HANDED to him? It's aggravating. It's not like some big record executive is just going to stroll up to me after a show and offer me a record deal. Now he gets to go to America? To NEW FUCKING YORK, only the place I've wanted to go since I heard of it's existance? I don't think I'm being irrational here. FUCK.

Whatever. He can go and have fun and I'll just rot around here. What else hasn't changed? I'll always be stuck in his shaddow, never an equal.

Fuck.

[Private] - [What the...?!]

2006-09-20T17:18:48Z

Yeah, Taichi just IMed me and was like 'Mat we should hang out sometime soon'. What's up with that? Of course i didn't respond 'cause I was away...why does he want to hang out all of a sudden? This is weird. I mean, I got his 'letter'.... (that friends only post to me back in Feb...) but I still don't understand it. I thought it was over, that he was done with our friendship. This is so weird. I might be saying that a lot from now on...

I don't understand what's going on. First Iori acts weird, Sora and I...get comfortable, Ken's in the hospital, Dai and Takeru are having a rough time, and even Jyou's acting weird. It's not even as if he's worrying as usual, he's confused and depressed! That's not like our Jyou. Even Kou's been acting strangely. And I've been hearing weird things about Ken and Iori...I have no idea what's going on. Everything's getting stranger by the minute, and I'm all caught up in it.

I've got to keep my head straight.